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ShapeShifters Chapter 1 By: DeAndre L Moffett

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     This story is about a boy named Jason  Michales. Jason is an ordinary boy, captain of the track team ,lots of friends good grades and loving parents , but his whole life is about to change .

“Ring!” The sound of the bell echoes through the hallways of Greensborrow High, as kids start to jump out of their seats and head out of the classroom.

“Have a nice summer kids! I'll see you next year!” says Mr. Limerick the 11th grade biology teacher. In the hallway, a group of kids are walking together then one wraps his arm around the other.

"Can you believe it one more class to go then we are done summer vacation?! No more small desk or boring classes, just sunshine beaches and women!"

"Alex you’re such a jerk bro. Did you forget I have track conditioning all summer? Plus, my parents think we need more family time which just means boring hiking trips and board games."  Alex's face drops.

"Oh crap I completely forgot, bummer bro. Well at least I'll get to see all the ladies" he jokes then begins to run off “Alright jay I'll catch you later.”
Jason walks into his next class.

"Ah Mr. Michaels just the man I wanted to see"

"Yeah coach what’s up?" Jason asked.

"How many times do I have to tell you it's Mr. Jacobs during school hours?"

"Right, sorry co- I mean Mr. Jacobs. Did you need something?"

"Actually, it can wait until practice this weekend. Don't be late.”

"Ah ok coach!"

Mr. Jacobs shook his head. "Just take your seat"

"Right Mr. Jacobs sorry ‘bout that.”

Mr. Jacobs turns to the rest of the class "Ok class, as you all know, it's the last day off school and we’ve finally made it to the last class of the day, thank God! So to make it easier on all of us, it's a free period, so you all may do whatever you want! I have to catch up on some paper work.”


The whole class burst into conversation. Quickly, it begins to sound like a full cafeteria during lunch.

Jason was tired due to not sleeping too well the past few days. He lied his head down on his desk. "Thank God… I'm tired as heck." he says.

Then, someone grabbed his shoulder. He looked up and sees a strange man with glowing eyes. He looks around at his class mates and they are all staring at him. "Wh-who are you?" Jason asked, but the man didn't respond. He just griped even tighter then lifts him out of his seat. "Ah, crap, put me down!" he yells before swinging at him and punching him in the jaw.

The odd man doesn't budge, so he does it again three more times but still nothing. The man growls at him revealing sharp teeth and throws him into a bunch of desk. Students start screaming and running out of the class room. Jason hears the sound of the bell. He looks up and the man is gone.


"Jason, Jason!” Mr. Jacobs was saying, shaking Jason by the shoulder. “JASON!" Jason's head popped up.

"Have a nice summer." Mr. Michaels said, pointing toward the door.  Jason looks around and the kids are all leaving, “Ah…It was just a dream… It felt so real..!" Jason thought to himself. He began to walk to the front of the class. "Jason!"  Mr. Jacobs said.

"Yeah coach?"

"Is everything okay? You seem a bit, I don’t know, shaken up."

“Yeah, I'm fine. I just had bad dream is all. I’ll see you this weekend, coach.” Jason walked to his locker where a beautiful young lady was waiting for him.

"Hey babe!" he says while kissing her on the neck.

"Are you ready to go?" she says grabbing his pants and giving him a sadistic smile.

"Yeah, one second." Jason opens his locker grabs his book bag and they both left.


"H-hey guys, wait up!" the two now about two blocks away from the school. They turn around to see Alex running toward them. When he finally reaches them he is out of breath.

"Alex we kinda had something planned today. I'll catch up with you later, k?" Jason says under his breath.

Alex still trying to catch his breath holds up his hand. "Wait, one second. Ok, do you think I'd run all this way for nothing? Mia your mom is at the school looking for you. She says it's important."

Mia looked at Jason. "Sorry, Jason. Guess I should go." she said with a puppy dog face "No, no, it’s okay. Your mom’s looking for you. Go ahead I'll call you later."

"Okay babe" she kissed him and then ran off to the school.

"I wonder what that's about..?" Alex said.

"No idea." Jason replied. The two began walking .
After a few blocks Jason stopped, getting a weird feeling. He looked across the street and saw someone staring at him.

"Looks like someone finally moved into the Wilkins Mansion." Alex said, waving to the mysterious guy across the street.

"Yeah" Jason said.They began to walk again. Jason still had that weird feeling. He looked back and saw that the guy is still watching him. Jason quickly looks forward, a little freaked out but the feeling quickly goes away, he looks back again and the guy isn't there.


Later that night, while Jason is lying in bed, all he could think about is the weird feeling he got before. It was like he wanted to explode. He never had had such a feeling before.  Just as he got up, he hears a noise outside. He went to his window, opened it, and peeked his head out. He saw something big in the shadows across the street. Not being able to make out what it was, he tried to lean further out, breaking the trim around his window, which caused the thing across the street to turn its attention to Jason. When it turned its, head Jason noticed two glowing red eyes. He quickly jumps back, closing and locking the window. He closed his shades and tried to calm down. But, only a few seconds later, he could hear heavy breathing outside of his window. He started to walk toward it but then he heard another noise, this one sounding different, like some sort of air weapon was shot, followed by the sound of something big running.
There was a knock at the window. Jason threw open his shades. It was his father! He quickly opened the window.

"Are you ok?!" Jason’s dad asked.

"Yeah. What was that thing? It looked kinda like a gorilla."  Jason asked, breathing easier now.

"I don’t know. At first I thought it was a big dog, so I was just going to scare it away. But, as I got closer, I realized it was much bigger than a dog. It was probably just a bear."

"It didn’t look like a bear to me, at least not like any bear I've seen before.”

“I don't know, son. I don't know…But, you should close your window and make sure you lock. Just in case that thing comes back.”


Jason nodded his head, closing the window. Then he ran over to his laptop and looked up gorillas. He read about them for about twenty minutes before he decides to Google gorillas in Greensburrow Hills. There were a lot of reports, most dating back to the 1800s, when the town was founded. After a while of searching, he stumbled across more recent reports. The first one was over thirty years ago. The report said that a young couple was attacked by an animal while camping in the forest. When asked about the animal, they described it as a gorilla-like monster with glowing red eyes.  No evidence was ever found to support their story and it was believed the two were on some type of drugs and probably attacked by a pack of coyotes or an angry bear. There were no further investigations.
Another report, that dated back thirty four years ago, stated that while on patrol, a gorilla-like figure ran in front of the police cruiser. The cop hit it, damaging the cruiser heavily. In the officer’s statement, he claimed that a huge gorilla came out of nowhere and just before he hit it he got a look at the face, all he could describe were the glowing red eyes. He stated that after he hit it he unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the vehicle. But, by the time he got out of the car, it was gone . After heavy investigation, DNA found on the cruiser stated it wasn't a gorilla, but a human being that the officer hit. But nobody ever came forward to claim a lawsuit against the officer so the case was eventually dropped.
Then he found one that dated back to July 6, 1995. The report was about a young couple pulled out of their car and mauled to death by some sort of animal. Security footage from the bank across the street picked up a bit of the attack but it happened so fast you couldn’t really make out what did it. The only thing the video actually caught was a pair of glowing eyes. The creature was believed to be a rabid bear that ran away. At the end of the report, it said that the couple’s newborn child was found alive in the car. The baby only about four days old. It was also stated that the young couple had no living relatives, so he was put in the protective custody of children’s welfare to be adopted.
Jason looked at the date, then back at the age of the kid. To his surprise, the child was born on the same day as him. He found this very weird, one reason being that his parents didn't have any pictures of his mother pregnant or in the hospital. Jason called Alex.

"Alex? Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you hack the hospital’s system and find out who all was born on my birthday?"

“Yeah, but, what for?" Alex asked, a little suspicious.

"I'll explain later! I'm on my way!" Jason said, hanging up. He snuck out his window got on his bike to head over to Alex's house.
On his way, he felt like he was being followed. He looked back, but nothing was there. When he looked forward again, he ran into a telephone pole.

"Ahhh..! Shit that hurt..!" he said, getting up off of the ground. Just then, he heard a twig snap. He looked in that direction, but again, nothing was there. Just then, he felt something rush past him. He looked around, but saw nothing.

"Ok, I'm TRIPPIN!" As he went to grab his bike, he noticed his wheel is moving really fast, as if something or someone spun it. Slightly freaking out, he hopped onto his bike and rode as fast as he could to his Alex’s house.


Once he arrived, he saw Alex. He was sitting on the porch with his laptop.

"Did you get find anything?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, but, first, can you PLEASE tell me what this is about?"

Jason explained the story to him, and Alex just laughed.

"Ok, first off, let me ask you this; you saw a what?" Alex asked, trying to control his laughter.

Jason was a little embarrassed, but completely serious. “I saw a big gorilla."

Alex laughed again. "Okay, okay, okay, so even if you DID see a ”huge gorilla”, which is highly unlikely mind you, what does this have to do with your birthday?”

Jason looked at Alex as if he was dumb. "I told you about the report, didn’t I? I just wanna see who else was born that day, and maybe figure out who the kid is from the accident is or was. So, can you just show me what you found?"

  Alex opened his laptop. "Alright, according to the birth records I pulled up, three children were born on the same day."

Jason rushed over and sat next to him. "Who are the other two?" he asked, intently staring at the screen.

"Well, that's just it. One of them died shortly after birth and the other is a girl, leaving you as the only other child born on that day."

Jason looked at the screen, upset and confused. "I'm…I'm adopted. But, why wouldn't they tell me..?" Jason sat down, very upset. He just sat there in silence, thinking.

Alex looked at him, feeling horrible for his friend. "Whoa, bro, chill. I didn't say that. It may just be a coincidence. The files could have been lost. The kid may not have been born here or anything. You should ask them about it before you start jumping to conclusions and getting all upset over something that could be nothing.”


Jason stood up "Yeah, I guess you’re right, it's probably nothing.”

"Yeah" laughed Alex. "So, when are you going to ask them about it?"

Jason walked over to his bike and picked it up. "I guess now is as good a time as any."

Alex laughed again. "It’s almost 10:30 at night, bro. I know you wanna know, but wait until morning. For now, get some sleep.”

Jason nodded his head. “Yeah, you’re right. I'll catch you tomorrow, bro.” he said, riding off.

About three blocks away from his house, Jason heard a roaring sound. He stopped and looked around only to notice he is right in front of the mansion from before. Jason walked across the street closer to the house. His heart started to beat really fast and he began to breathe very heavily "Shit, I forgot to take my meds today; I gotta hurry up and get home."
   Jason hopped on his bike and took off down the street. As he rode, he began to feel light headed, so he slowed down and reached into his pocket for his phone. He dialed his dad’s number. "Dad, I’m riding home now from Alex's, but I’m getting dizzy. I forgot to take my meds today. Can you grab them and meet me half way?" Before his dad could respond, Jason collapsed, unconscious.

"Jason? Jason are you there!? Jason! Crap! Amy, get in the car! Jason didn't take his meds today!''  Jason’s parents rushed out to the car with Jason’s meds. "We've got to hurry, who knows how long we have until it’s too late?!" The two sped off. When they arrived to where Jason had fallen, he was laying by his bike. He appeared to be having a seizure.

"Thank God we’re not too late!  Hurry!" said Jason’s father. The two got out of the car and ran over to him. His father propped him up and put a wedge in his mouth as his mother dropped two red pills along with some water in.

Almost instantly, Jason stopped shaking. He laid there for a few seconds, looking almost lifeless. Suddenly, his eyes popped open. For for a few moments, they glowed in an odd luminescent blue. His parents were not even fazed, they simply watched as if this was normal to them.


Jason quickly sat up, gasping for air. By this time, his eyes were already back to his normal brown eyes.

"Jason! Are you ok?” His mother asked, tightly hugging him.

Jason looked around. "Yeah mom, I’m fine. I just forgot to take my meds, that’s all." Jason looked at his dad. "Thanks, for bringing it, dad.”

“No son, thank you for calling. I don't know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten to you in time." He held his hand out and helped Jason up. "Come on, let’s go home."


Jason stood up and dusted himself off. His dad grabbed his bike and put it in the back of their SUV, then got in and they head home. On the ride home, Jason was very quiet, looking at his mom and dad as if he wanted to say something. His father caught on.

"What's the matter son? Is there something you want to tell us?"

Jason put his head down. "Uh…N-no I’m cool." He was silent for a little while longer, but then looked at his dad again. "Actually, dad, I do have a question."

His father looks at him using the rear view mirror. "What is that son?" he asked.

Jason looks him in the eyes in the rearview mirror “Am I adopted?"


 Both of his parents looked at each other. Then, his father looked at him. Slowly, he said, “You are our son.”

Jason leaned forward. "Biologically or legally?" he asked.

His father looked over his shoulder. "Jason, just where are all these off-the-wall questions coming from, exactly? I am your father, she is your mother, now sit back."

Jason sat back, irritated. He didn’t say anything else the rest of the ride home. When they pulled into the driveway, his father looked in the rear view mirror at him, noticing the aggravation in his eyes

"Look, son, if you wanna ask your mother and I some questions, we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?  It's late we're all tired.  We all need to get to bed." His father said, attempting to calm Jason down.

Jason looked at him angrily. “Whatever!" Jason yelled angrily, opening the door and jumping out, slamming it and walking into the house.

His father sighed, getting out of the SUV. He opened the hatch and grabbed the bike "What are we going to do?" he asked Amy in a hushed tone. He looked at her then dropped his head and went to put the bike in the garage.
He waited for Amy to come inside the garage then closed the door. They headed into the house.

Jason lay on his bed in the dark. The only light was a ray of moonlight that peeked through the curtains. Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep, the moonlight shining gently on his face.
 Soon after he had fallen asleep, the moonlight disappeared from the window, replaced by a dark shadow of what appeared to be a boy. The window slowly opened, a slight breeze is now blew through the room. The curtains flew open as if a huge gust of wind blew through. In the blink of an eye, the shadow’s owner was looming over Jason’s bed, staring down at him. A few minutes pass and all is silent, the shadowy figure still loomed over Jason, not moving a muscle. He reached out his hand toward Jason. Just before he could grab Jason’s face, he heard the door open.
    He walked silently toward the door of Jason’s room. He stood there, his head against the door.  He could hear a conversation going on in the other room. Silently, he strained to listen.

"We should have told him a long time ago, John. He deserves to know the truth, and we can’t hide it forever!" Amy said, trying to reason with her husband.

"No! If he finds out the truth, it could put not only his life but our lives in serious danger! We will take him to therapy tomorrow and we can all just forget this ever happened, and we will live like we always have. Everything will go back to normal!" John replied, hints of anger and worry in his voice.

All went quiet again. The mysterious figure strained even harder. He then heard someone begin to walk down the hallway.

"”Like always”, that’s your answer every time a problem comes up with Jason! Let's make him forget, play with his head and feelings! It isn’t right, John! Jason doesn't deserve this!" Amy whispered loudly, growing more and more irritated with her stubborn husband.

John turned around and walked back toward her. "And we do?! We deserve to have to continuously cover up the truth; lying to family, loved ones, and even our own SON?! Do you think this doesn't hurt me too?! I’m not doing this for myself; I’m doing this to protect Jason! He's going to therapy, and that’s final! I'll call first thing in the morning and set up the appointment."

The mysterious figure gave up. This wasn’t doing anything but delaying the inevitable. He turned back to Jason and began to reach for him again. He heard someone grab Jason's door knob and begin to turn it. With a low growl of irritation, he disappeared out the window.
     Amy opened the door, a strong breeze hitting her unexpectedly. She walked over to the window and shut and locking it, a little confused as to why it was open to begin with. She then walked over to Jason and kissed him on his forehead. "I love you, so so much. Never forget it, Jason. No matter what happens, promise me you won’t forget that..!" she whispered to her sleeping son. She got up, closing the shades before she left Jason’s room.

  The next morning, Jason woke up, slowly climbing out of bed. When he put his foot on the floor, he felt something. He picked it up. It was a strange ring. He examined it carefully. He noticed that it had a gorilla head on it, the eyes made of red gems. Confused, he put the ring under his pillow; he would study it further later. He grabbed some clothes and walked out of his room, heading across the hall to the bathroom. He turned the shower on and walked over to the sink. He grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste and brushed his teeth. Then, as he turned to walk to the shower, something caught his eye. He quickly turned back, looking at mirror. Nothing was different. He rubbed his eyes, opening and closing them. He must have just been seeing things. He shrugged and got into the shower.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Jason’s parents were talking. "Jason is up." Amy said, refusing to look at her husband.

"Good. His appointment is in an hour." He replied, not looking up from his newspaper.

Amy slammed her coffee mug down on the counter. "You’re really going to do this again?! Jason is almost eighteen years old!" she said, annoyed with her ignorantly stubborn husband.

"I told you, Amy. This is in everyone’s best interest, especially Jason’s." John replied calmly.

“And what are you going to do when Jason moves out to live on his own and something happens to him?! That will bring up questions, or better yet, trigger his memories! What then John?! Just what will you do then?!"

"Hopefully by the time he moves out, I will have found a way to block those things permanently." John answered, trying to calm his wife down.
“You always have an answer for EVERYTHING, don’t you, John?! One of these days you won’t be able to come up with an answer, and when that day comes, I’d hate to be a fly on the wall! Jason is going to find out, and when he does, he will be hateful toward you because-“

Before she could even finish her sentence, John jumped out of his seat and slammed his hands on the table, causing everything on it to shake violently. "Why, for protecting him?! Everything I have done is to protect him! I am NOT the bad guy here!" He exclaimed, storming out of the kitchen.

Jason stepped out of the shower, drying off and getting dressed. He opened up the cabinet, grabbing a little disposable cup and his meds. As he closed the cabinet, something in the mirror caught his eye once again. He looked at the mirror. For a split second, it looked as if his eyes were glowing a bright red. He rubbed his eyes and blinked rapidly for a couple of seconds. When he looked up again, his eyes looked normal again. "Wow, I guess I need some more sleep…" he said to himself, shrugging and taking his medicine.

A few minutes later, he went down stairs. "Hey mom…Where’s dad?"

His mother got up and hugged him tightly. "I love you Jason.” She said.

Love you too, mom.” Jason said half-heartedly, as they recited this little charade more times than he could count.

His mother sighed. “Your father is getting ready."

“Ready for what?" Jason asked.

"Your therapy appointment, did you forget already?"

Jason looked at her, confused. He didn’t remember anything about a therapy appointment, especially not one scheduled for today. "Uh, no, I mean, I guess I just thought I was done with all that. I don’t really have any anger issues anymore; the medicine seems to be working pretty well."

“It’s just a follow up, honey. This should be the last one."

Jason walked over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. "Ok, I guess. But, I really wanted to talk to you guys about last night."

Just then, Jason’s father walked in. He had cooled off from the previous conversation. "We will talk after the appointment, Jason. Come on, we don’t want to be late."

“Right…' Jason mumbled as he followed his father out to the car.

The ride to the office was very quiet. Neither Jason nor his father spoke a word.

"We’re here" Jason’s father announced, pulling up to the office. “Dr. B.H.Geffories”, the sign on the door said.

Jason unbuckled his seat belt.  "Let’s just get this over with…" he said as he got out of the car.

"What’s wrong, son?" his father asked, sensing his son wasn’t in the best of moods.
Jason turned around slowly.  "This isn’t how I’d like to spend my morning. Talking to some guy for a couple of hours about anger issues I don’t even have anymore, it’s pointless!"

"It’s just a check-up, Jason. Calm down."

Jason grunted, then turned around and walked toward the door.

"Are you sure it’s you’re alright, son? You seem all worked up over nothing."

Jason turned around again. "You KNOW what I’m all worked up about, dad! Don’t act like last night didn’t happen!"

His father just stood there, looking him in his eyes for a brief moment.
"I told you we would talk about it after your appointment, Jason!" he barked.

Jason just turned around and walked into the office, his father close behind him.

Inside, they were greeted by a tall, older-looking man. "Jason , good to see you!" he said cheerily.

Jason simply nodded. "’Sup…"

"Mr. Geffories, can I talk to you for a moment?" Jason’s father asked.

"Most certainly, Mr. Michales. Jason, go ahead and have a seat, I’ll call you in shortly."

The two walked into the office and closed the door behind them. Jason just sat and waited, wondering what they couldn’t say in front of him. A few minutes later, his father came out of the office.

"He’s ready for you, son. I’ll be back in about an hour to pick you up, ok?"

Jason nodded, getting up and walking into Dr. Geffories’ office.

They did the same old routine. “How are you?”, “how have you been?”, “what seems to be troubling you?” Blah blah blah, nothing out of the ordinary for this kind of thing.

An hour later, Jason walked out of the office and got into his father’s SUV.

"Hey, dad, right on time." Jason said, getting in a buckling his seat belt.

"Aren’t I always?" his dad replied, chuckling a little. "So, how was it?"

"Same old, same old, dad. He talked with me about my “anger issues” and school, all that junk. He said I seem to be reacting great to the new medication."

His father smiled. "Sorry to have to make you sit through all of that son. Just gotta make sure everything is normal."

"No problem, dad. I’m just ready to get home and eat something. Is mom getting food ready?"

"Not sure, I haven’t made it home. I figured I should do some running around while I waited. Oh right, wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about?"

Jason looked at him and thought for a second. "No, not that I can think of…Oh, wait, there was one thing, could you take me to practice today? I don’t really feel like walking."

"Sure, son, I can do that for you." he replied with a grin. "What time is your practice?"

Jason pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Dang!  It’s in thirty minutes!"

”Aww, that’s plenty of time to go home get changed and eat breakfast.”


 When they got home, Jason ran upstairs to get changed.

"So how'd it go?" Amy asked, placing a plate in front of John.

"It went fine. He said they talked about his anger issues school and all that good stuff. The doctor said he seems to be reacting great to the new meds."

Amy rolled her eyes, turned around and began to prepare Jason's plate. "I just don't see why you continue to mess with his head, John. It isn’t right."

"We already talked about this, Amy. I'm not going to talk to you about it again, alright? We both know it's for the safety of this family.”

A few moments later, Jason came running down the stairs and sat at the table. He looked at his phone and said, "I gotta be to practice in ten minutes! That took longer than I thought!"

"Come on, you can eat on the way, but be careful not to drop any food in my truck, alright?"

“Aren’t you going to eat anything, dad?"

"I'll eat when I get back."

"Okay! We have to hurry, so let’s go!" Jason said, getting up from the table and walking toward the door.

"Did you hear me, Jason? Don’t drop a crumb my truck!"

"I won't dad, now let’s go!" Jason laughed, heading out the door.


The ride to practice was uncomfortably quiet.

“Everything ok, dad?" Jason asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Ha, yes son, I’m just thinking, that's all."

"Whatchya thinking about?"

"Nothing concerning you, son, it's work related." Jason’s father replied, pulling up to the gymnasium entrance. "What time should I pick you up?"
"I'll walk, dad it’s fine."

"Okay son, if you’re positive. You took your meds today, right?"

"Yep, sure did, dad. See you when I get home." Jason said, getting out and closing the door behind him.

Inside, Alex was waiting for Jason.

"What are you doing here?" Jason asked.

"I had to see how it went." Alex replied.

Jason looked at him oddly, confused as to what his friend was talking about. "How what went?"

"Duh! The conversation with your parents, Jason! What else would I be talking about?"

"Oh, heh, duh, yea, it went fine. They took it pretty well, actually." Jason replied, a smirk spread across his face.

Alex now confused. "Wait, what are you talking about? They took what well?"

"Aren’t you talking about me not wanting to run for PITT?" Jason asked, confused again.

"No I'm talking about last night, you know the whole adopted thing? Ring a bell?”

Before Jason could respond, the whistle was blown.

"Jason, hurry up, let’s go! It’s time for warm ups!"

Jason was still confused about what Alex was talking about. "I'll...I'll catch you later alright?" he said, running over and joining the rest of his team.
The only thing on Jason's mind was what Alex had said to him. He was really confused and worried. “What was he talking about? Adoption..?" he thought.

“Alright, first we are going to do stretching. Everyone get with a partner to help you stretch, you all know the drill.”

Through all of practice, though, Jason was doing everything half-heartedly. He was too concerned to focus.

"Michales!  Get your head out of the clouds and get back to practice! Leave your problems at the door! It’s about track and track only while we’re here!"

"S-sorry coach, I just have a lot on my mind, some issues at home. Do you think I could leave early today?"

Before coach could even blink, Jason was packing up to leave.

“Thanks coach, I knew you would understand." Jason grabbed his gym bag and jogged out. Right as he walked out the door, his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text message.
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phrase-maker's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Right, so as requested here's a critique (also on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt=":iconwriters--club:" title="Writers--club" />). Apologies in advance for the length of it, quite a lot of wordy points to deal with.

Firstly a general point: a major rule of writing is "show, don't tell". Don't just tell us facts: actively demonstrate them. The most glaring example here was when Jason was researching gorilla attacks - "...He found this very weird, one reason being that his parents didn't have any pictures of his mother pregnant or in the hospital". It seems strange that he would only just notice this (even if you were to mention the whole amnesia-medication thing here, which would be equally out-of-place and blatantly telling us another fact). A better way to structure it would be to have him googling the gorilla attacks while his friend is there with him:

"Dude, look - these guys had the same birthday as you!"
"Really?" Jason saw it was true, and shivered. "Whoah, creepy."
"Huh."
"What is it? Someone else with my birthday?"
"No, I just realised something - I've never, like, seen photos of you as a baby..."
"Dude, why would I show you baby photos?"
"You know what I mean."
"Uh no, I don't, dude." But now that he thought of it, Jason had the creeping realisation that his friend was right, and it *was* kind of weird...

Another example is when he collapses and his eyes change colour; his father would not want to acknowledge the fact and there's no one else to witness it. Having an outsider walking past and seeing the scene would add drama to it - "Is he okay... Jesus! What the hell's happened to his eyes?! Maybe, um, you should get him to a hospital?" While the dad tries to get rid of the by-stander without attracting any extra attention.

A lot of the story comes across as descriptive along those sorts of lines, rather than active. As a result, not that much actually happens when it's broken down into scenes:
School ends; girlfriend departs; strange guy moves onto street; Jason sees strange gorilla-creature; Jason forgets meds and collapses; Jason researches gorilla attacks; Jason's parents argue; Jason goes to therapy; Jason and friend see strange activity at house; they get caught and walk into house; the end.
That took less than a paragraph, and in most of those scenes there was very little conflict (aside from the polarised positions of his parents when arguing). Try to spice up things with a bit of drama, e.g. the above-mentioned variants, or turning the girlfriend's departure into a sad "I'll miss you" - and maybe mix in her concerns about how he seems to have memory issues (hinting at/foreshadowing the effect of the medication).

Flowing on from that lack of conflicts: there is also an abstract quality to a lot of the scenes. It doesn't feel like there's a continuous, solid reality behind this. Jason's mom comes to school, which he notes is strange - but there's no scene of him questioning it, and it's not mentioned again. Jason has something to ask his father before the therapy session, but when he comes out he says nothing about it and his father is acting strange (and it didn't sound like it was because of a re-dosing of the amnesia medication while in therapy).

In the real world, people have their own independent existence and movements.
You don't need to have full biographies of everyone living on the street, but at least be aware of their existence - is there an old lady who walks her little yap-dogs every morning? What would those dogs do when they smelled blood? Is there a retired guy who tells everyone about his time in the army? Does he try to strike up a conversation with the sinister new neighbour?
(Again, don't throw these in at random - just be aware of the wider world rather than narrowing your focus exclusively to this small circle of characters. They still have to get their groceries from a human being at some point).

In terms of the deeper structure, it's not clear what the end-point of the story is. Jason discovers he's a shapeshifter, then what? You've based this in reality so far (google exists, as does high school and emoticons), so fighting some sort of supervillain seems unlikely. The strange old man doesn't seem enough of a threat, archetypally speaking. It's hard to determine what Jason's Path is, given that we know so little about him, but no end-point presents itself yet - no final confrontation of forces of good and evil (Jason vs. gorilla is a Saturday night wrestling match, not an epic battle).



Admittedly quite a broad set of suggestions there, but as the story currently stands, there's not enough to grab my attention from the hundreds of other stories out there. I'm sure you've got an idea of where you want the story to go, but even so try and plot out the arc in full and then work out how to frame scenes along the way so that we can get swept along in the flow of the story.